Tuesday, May 13, 2014

But I thought it would be easy...TTC #2.

I'm back. I miss this creative outlet and although I get my burdens out through prayer, I have always liked writing as a form of expression. I know God hears my words whether spoken or written.

Up to Speed

My last post was some time ago so it would be impossible to fill in all the joyous memories, hardships, victories, setbacks, celebrations, milestones etc. Here it is in a nutshell....

The Bad: My Step Mom was diagnosed with Brain Cancer in August, we lost my husbands great grandma in October, his Grandpa/best friend in November, and suffered a miscarriage in April.

The Good: (WHICH always outshines the bad): We have a beautiful, smart, sports loving, healthy 2 1/2 year old, my Step Mom continues to fight the crap out of that tumor, I turned 30 in style in Vegas,  Nick got a new amazing job, and God continues to bless us and surround was with the most incredible friends you could ask for.

So there you have it. A quick recap on what's happening in our lives. It's funny because when I type it all out, I'm reminded how difficult the last 9 months have been yet I still feel so fulfilled. There have been some very disappointing moments, moments where I'm angry or confused and even lost, but they are so short lived.

Jimmer at my cousins wedding April 26th,2014

Jimmer doing one of his favorite things - April 25, 2014

My Step Mama and I on Easter

My boys getting a jam session in:)

Jimmer shooting hoops

My Step Mom and little sister Olivia a few weeks ago

My little man at my cousins wedding April 26, 2014

Adding to our Family

I did another theatre show this past winter. Nick and I decided we would start trying after I turned 30 and the show was wrapping up...so February. Because Jimmer took us one month and one try, in my na├»ve mind I figured that's exactly how it would happen this time. We would get pregnant in February and have another November baby about a week and a half to two weeks before Jimmers 3rd birthday (of course we would have a C section so would get to choose the date)...I would have maternity leave for November, December and most of January and everything would work out just PERFECTLY. I knew when we would share the news with families, when we would tell the world, when we would be half way through the pregnancy although had decided not to find out the sex this time around, and I knew we needed to get started on potty training Jimmer before another one came along. Even as I type this I'm laughing. People who are close to me know I'm a planner. I more or less plan every hour of my day and almost always over schedule...which is why I am always 15 minutes late to everything. My schedule keeps me sane. And wouldn't you know...we DID become pregnant...for 2 days.

Here's the problem with those dang early tests. They are great. But often times they give you hope for something that you never would have known about otherwise. I'm talking about a Chemical Pregnancy. Two days before my missed period, we were elated to learn we had another one on the way. 2 days letter, that period came...right on schedule. This was difficult but because it happened so soon, I fortunately hadn't formed a strong bond with the life growing inside of me and therefore was able to move ahead quicker. We decided I clearly am able to get pregnant easily and that it would happen soon.

So now we're into March. I'm geared up to try again. And wouldn't you know, my planning went into turbo speed. I had every app you could think of, taking my temps, spending countless hours on the internet about success stories after a Chemical pregnancy etc. I was still trying to control everything and take it all into my own hands. Fast forward to early April as the two week wait is coming to an end. Countless pregnancy tests (no really, a stupid amount) flashed that taunting and aggravating ONE pink line back at me and when Friday, the day of my due period came, I had given up and decided we would need to try again next month. But Friday came and went, Saturday came and went and Sunday came and went with nothing. My body, like my life, is on a schedule too, and I am rarely if EVER late. I figured maybe it had something to do with the chemical pregnancy since the pregnancy tests were coming up negative. But if you haven't gathered this from me already, it was driving me nuts wondering what was going on and needing answers. Patience isn't my best trait. Nick and I talked about it and decided I would call the doctor just to make sure everything was ok and get blood drawn to rule out pregnancy. You want to know how insane I am? On the way to my blood work draw I bought a pregnancy test and took it before going! I was literally going to have a doctor do the same thing only with my blood and couldn't wait knowing I would have to call back later in the afternoon. That test, like so many before it...negative. I walked into that doctors appointment 99% confident I was not pregnant.

2:00 pm....That's the time I was able to call to get my results. 1:59 pm I left my desk at work and walked downstairs to the hallway. What seemed like 20 minutes later, a nice woman came on the phone and said "We are going to need you to come back as we are unsure at this time and want to make sure your number goes up to confirm a pregnancy." UMMM WHAT!?!?! I knew what this meant...this meant my HCG levels were above a 5 but not yet a 25 which is what they consider a pregnancy. So in my mind..YUP I was. I was so excited and confused as all the tests that had come up negative. I knew I must have ovulated late. I asked her what my number was and she said 20 and laughed at how close it was. 20!!! Home pregnancy tests typically don't pick up the HCG hormone until 25 ml so that explained all the negatives. I knew I had to go back...but I also was confident I was pregnant this time. I called Nick and best friend and again went into planning. I knew our due date was December 10th but our scheduled C section would be on December 3rd (which was just perfect because that is Grandma Dolly's birthday), I knew we'd tell our families on Mothers Day and the rest of the world the week of June 8th. I proceeded to take 3-4 more at home pregnancy tests which as early as the night of my appointment started showing 2 lines and progressively getting darker over the next few days. My follow up appointment was the following Monday. I went, got my blood drawn, called back at 1:59 pm and heard the wonderful words "You are definitely pregnant." We were so excited.

2 days later there was blood. I knew something was wrong even though everyone tried to tell me otherwise or not to jump to conclusions. It started out light and got progressively worse. I was having a miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I cried, left work, called the doctor, called Nick and asked God why. This was one of my bad moments. I would rather not ever see those 2 pink lines, then see them and have them taken away. I was confused and angry. Over the next few days as it passed one thing kept coming to mind...


I was trying to do his job. I thought I could control when I got pregnant by doing what "they say" you should do and when you should do it. I obsessed during the 2 week wait and put this attempt at pregnancy above almost everything else in my life. I wasn't trusting his plan for us.

I went to a follow up appointment and talked with the doctor who checked everything out and said it was a fluke thing and that I'm fine. The reality of it is...we've tried 3 times to get pregnant, and I've been pregnant 3 times (even if just for a few days). So I know I'm perfectly capable of it. I think I just need to relax, and stop overthinking it, and over testing, and checking all the dates before I even know if there's a heart beat in there!

This is still a work in progress. We tried again right away and although I'm not due for my period until Friday, I know that this month it didn't stick. I didn't over test this time. But I still overthought, spent too much time on the internet, obsessed about temps. I can't just switch it off. I obsess about the age different between Jimmer and the next one (if we get one). But you know what? Who cares. A baby is a blessing no matter when it's given to you.

I also had a moment of extreme guilt. I have been pregnant nearly every time we tried, the chemical I wouldn't have known about if not for early testing, and the miscarriage was before we heard a heart beat or had an appointment. I am lucky. I'm not saying that if you suffer an early loss you aren't allowed to grieve and be devastated. Not that at all. Because I was, and still am. I long to be pregnant again. I love being a Mother. But here's what I know. I have a healthy 2 year old boy who we were blessed with in ONE month of trying.....I am obviously perfectly capable of becoming pregnant as it happens often.....and I have read countless stories of stillbirths, 2nd or 3rd trimester losses, and years of TTC with no luck...and so many of them who have no children yet. There is always someone out there who has it worse than you.

I have learned a few things over the last few months.

1. I am not in control.
2. A schedule is a GUIDE to keeping your life in order. Sometimes schedules change.
3. There are always people suffering worse than I.
4. I am very very very blessed.
5. Trust his plan.

My beautiful family on Mother's Day.