I've always known I wanted to be a Mother. Long before I was to become one I would think about what their names would be, where we'd live, things we'd do. I was that sterotype..I dreamt of first meeting a wonderful man, marrying him, and having children. My heart would swell with joy thinking about those wonderful days to come. Knowing I wanted to be a Mother, and actually becoming one are so vastly different. I know one day Jimmers little brown eyes will read these posts and learn about what the beginning of what his life was like....I find it so hard to express myself well enough so that he will know what he has done to our lives and how much I love him.
(Warning: I apologize for the sappy post in advance)
LOVE....I am a lover, always have been. I love the feeling of being in love and everything that comes with it...I love my husband. But this is different. It's a different type of love which I'm not sure I can explain correctly. When Jimmers big brown eyes squint at me when he smiles....when he leans in to give me a kiss....when I peek in on him while he's sleeping....when he turns to make sure I see him crawl up those stairs....when I think he's in pain or hurting in any way....his giggle when I tickle his feet....how he dances to any type of music or beat....when he sticks his tongue out...and when he tugs on my pant leg to lift him up....my heart literally feels like it could burst. That's the only way I know how to say it. I feel like my heart is swelling up inside my chest and will explode. I know they say your heart makes more room when you have more children, but I cannot fathom that right now.
WORRY....You know that song..."Mama said there'd be days like this...there'd be days like this ...my Mama said." Never has this rung more true. I worry at work, I worry when he sleeps, I worry when he walks, I worry he's too cold or too hot, I worry he took too big of a piece and will choke, I worry he's getting a rash or a cold, I worry he'll fall down the stairs, I worry when he gets off schedule, I worry his nails are too long. But it's not just stuff that happens right now. I also worry kids will be mean to him someday, that he'll struggle in school, that he won't know how incredible he is, that he'll get his heart broken. I guess this is and will forever be my life....to worry.
TIME....I know that he's a year old but I can't remember how he came to be that way since I feel like I had him a few weeks ago. I am finding time goes faster as we get older. Highschool went faster than middle school, college went faster than highschool, the last 5 years out of college went faster than the 5 years I was in them. And now I'm afraid having children is speeding this up even more. This blog will help me remember things and times that came and went much too quickly. Jimmer went from rolling over to crawling to walking at what felt like lightning speed. I wish we could go back to the rolling over and start from there again. I saw this quote on another blog and it couldn't be more true... "The days are slow...but the years go so fast"
FAMILY...Nick and I are both very much devoted to our families. Family is and has always been important to us and we are very fortunate to have the family that we do. Now that we have our own little family that we are responsible for...I sometimes feel a tremendous amount of pressure. Or rather, I put this pressure on myself. I want Jimmer (and future kiddos) to have that same family dynamic that we had. The big family get togethers, the overwhelming love that surrounds us whenever we are all together. I didn't realize just how incredible my upbringing was and the family God blessed me with until recent years. I didn't grow up wealthy in the sense of money....but I was a billionare as far as I'm concerned.
PATIENCE...It's not all roses and sunshine. The piercing sound of a screaming baby, the day I had sh*t on my nose, waking up in the middle of the night, functioning on half the sleep you got before baby, not being able to make them stop crying no matter what you try, pumping 8 times a day, trying and failing at putting their shoes on their uncooperating limp feet, attempting to make them stay seated in the bathtub, walking around with throw up on your shirt, not having as much time for yourself, feeling completely exhausted and overwhelemd. I could go on. I am finding a deep breath and slowing down help. We may appear to be super women but we're not. My previous impatient self would fall over dead if they saw me now.
UNDERSTANDING....The hardest and most exhausting job I have ever had is being a Mother. I have a whole new understanding and apprecation for my own. Late night feedings, lack of sleep, breastfeeding, changing diapers, teething, getting them dressed, packing up the car with all their "stuff", entertaining them in the car.....this little person is 100% dependent on you. Every need has to be met by you. Until I became a Mother, I never thought about my parents doing those things for me and going through those times. I get it now. High five Mom and Dad...I appreciate it.
FAITH.... I was raised to be and have always been a Christian. I am so thankful that I had family that made Jesus a part of my life at such a young age and taught me to have a personal relationship with him. I want my kids to know this life as well. Big moments in life naturally make you turn to him more. Great moments and tragic moments alike. Although I need to work on remembering all the little moments and in between moments are his as well, blessing me with my family has given me an overwhelming sense of gratitude and thankfulness. Above all else, I want my children to love and have a relationship with God. If they do this, everything else will fall into place. I think the world is slowly losing this...which I don't think it's a coincidence what's going on around us in the world beacuse of it.
MARRAIGE: When Nick and I found out we were pregnant we had been married all of 3 1/2 months. Granted we had been together nearly 4 years. Because of that, we had agreed after our honeymoon we would let be what was to be. Apparently that was immediately in terms of pregnancy. When you have a baby your relationship changes. Not in a bad way....in a deeper way. Our relationship grew so much stronger the moment Nick brought Jimmers sweet face to mine for the first time and squeezed my hand. But as much as we grew closer, this year was also the most challenging. There are really really hard days. Days where you're running on very little sleep, where one thinks they are doing more than the other, days when one just needs a break at the same time the other does too. So often it appears everything is picture perfect in people's lives. I can assure you that with anything...marriage, babies, jobs....there are days where a drink, cuss word, and a yelling match are taking place to get through it. And I've come to realize it's healthy and normal. The beauty of it is the hard days are followed by so so so many good days. Nick and I work at this together. We've learned so much about who we are as parents, and who we are in our marriage. He is such an amazing Dad....I will never be able to tell Jimmer how much that man loves him. When they are chasing after each other in the kitchen belly laughing, when nick sneaks in to YET AGAIN kiss him goodnight, or when I get countless emails telling me how Jimmer laughed different or started doing something new.....you are a lucky boy Jimmer Jack.
|My last pregnancy free days.....we were pregnant just 3 weeks later.|
November 7, 2011 at 8:48 pm, we welcomed our first son Jimmer Jack Larson into the world....and our lives have never been the same....
Just as my Mother said to me.....I love you Jimmer Jack Larson....and don't you ever forget it.