Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Not as expected...Birth Story Part II

We've checked into the hospital, we're in active labor, we're moved into a very comfortable room where our little boy will arrive into the world....and now we WAIT. And boy did we wait. I did decide to have an epidural. Once I was in active labor I didn't really have a plan. I was open to anything and everything to get my son here the smoothest way and best way for him and to keep me as healthy as possible. I will say that the contractions were very tolerable. I feel like I could have made it without the epidural but to be quite honest, I didn't want to. I wanted to be comfortable. We were situated and in our room and I had my epidural at about 11:30 am. The doctor broke my water soon after. Babies heart rate was good and things were going smoothly.
 Every couple hours or so the Doctor or nurse would check me for progress and time after time the verdict was the same....no change...still at 4 cm. Every once in a while they would throw a 4 1/2 in there I think to make me feel better. Really, nothing was changing. At this point I still hadn't slept. I had been up since the morning of November 6th and it was now the middle of the afternoon on November 7th.
After another check with no success they decided to get the pitocin going. This was somethign I had originally wanted to avoid but they insisetd they needed to get this going if I was going to have a shot at having a natural birth. I am pretty confident I told our nurse and the Doctor TEN different times that I did not want a C-section. I made it very clear that I really did not want this and that I would be devastated if it came to this.
Several hours on the pitocin and no change. At one point my epidural came out and I started feeling the contractions again but they were tolerable and they got the epidural fixed. Because I was only at 4 or 4 1/2 I'm sure the worst of the contractions were ahead. Throughout the day my Mom, Dad, Step Dad, Sisters, Nephew, my friend Ashley and of course Nick were all there. I ate a lot of ice chips and got some ice cream, we video taped some of the action and all laughed and talked. I started getting really anxious knowing that this was probably the most important day of my life and that I was going to be a "Mommy." I kept repeating that in my head, that I was going to be someones Mother. I felt like crying, running out of the room, and thanking God over and over all at the same time. I was so excited and afraid. I had this need to be "perfect" for this baby, to all of a sudden have this magical power to make all the right decisions from here on out. But the reality that I would screw up from time to time was still there which made me anxious and nervous. I can't quite explain in words what I was feeling then.
Around 6:30 pm the Doctor came and checked me one last time. I can honestly say that up to that point, this was one of the most disappointing moments of my life to date when the words "C section" were said. I was still at a 4 or 4 1/2, I had been in labor for 19 hours and this little guy just was not dropping. The Doctor said it was less what I was dialted and more that he was still so high up. He said I could either have a small or tilted pelvis or we were having a big baby (I suddenly wanted to punch Nick as he was nearly a 9 1/2 lb baby!). He said he would give me one more hour before going ahead with it and that it wasn't an emergency C section so I didn't need to worry.
As these words are coming out of his mouth and I can feel Cindy rubbing my arm in support, I felt every emotion in my body ready to spill out. I tried so hard to hold it in until the Doctor left but I couldn't. I sobbed. I sobbed like I have never sobbed. Nick sat next to me and rubbed my head and told me to pray and to take deep breaths. My Mom was in the corner crying too because that's what she does:) My Dad came in at one point and hugged me and he started crying.  I had been up for so many hours, was so exhausted, and I just found out that the way I had dreamed of bringing my son into the world was probably not going to happen. I know that C Sections are extremely safe and good for the baby, but I wanted the natural experience. I wanted to be present and to see everything and to have that moment right after he was born. Even typing this now I'm tearing up in disappointment that I missed out on that. However, the end result makes me feel incredibly selfish for being disappointed in anything. Any way a child comes into the world is a miracle.
There was a glimmer of hope when the nurse (now a new nurse because Cindy's shift was over) noticed my contractions were picking up in intensity. She called the Doctor in and he said there might be some hope...but after checking me I saw the look on his face and knew. At that point I had already accepted it. He said he let me go probably 4 hours longer than he usually would because I made it so clear I didn't want a C Section. He also said that we could either do it now at 8 pm or wait until 3 am which would be way more exhausting for me. Needless to say, they got Nick his scrubs, gave me a super gross drink, and got us ready for surgery.
They had pumped me with so much fluid I looked like I gained 100 lbs in the hospital alone! I also had cried my eyes out so I was extra puffy. We did manage to get some funny pictures before heading into surgery. I thought Nick looked like a ghost buster. He was so excited and giddy knowing we were about to meet our little man...meanwhile I was literally shaking in fear. I can do unplanned pain (broken bones, countless basketball and other sports injuries etc)..but planned pain consisting of any surgery or shot or ANYTHING scheduled, is probably my biggest fear. Ready or not......they wheeled us in around 8:15 pm.

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